Shakespearean Insults

Dante walks in while Ecco was reading the Toronto Sun:
Dante (Put on a surprised face)
Great Scot! Ecco, you saucy, hell-hated miscreant! Still digging into the papers after writing all those magnum opuses?
Ecco(Put on a shocked face and his coffee down)
Great guns! Dante, you surly, ill-breeding varlet! But I thought you’re the one with the magnum opuses!

Dante (sits down on a chair)
Well, someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. At least that’s what I’d thought. I stopped writing 7 years ago; I wanted my fans to yearn for more of my fiction before writing a new book.
Ecco
And that was why I called you. My last book, written 10 months ago, was the least lucrative work of all time! I even said to it. (slams the table) “Though art puny, fly-bitten haggard” People don’t ready anymore. They just watch Youtube and DVDs all day. (give a big sigh) My sister told me books make people think about heaven and hell too much; so a sizable population out there just got logophobic and stopped buying novels. It wasn’t like the good old days when your “Divine Comedy” made millions. You’ve got to be pensive if you want to write again.
Dante(rubs his chin with his fingers)
I know. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. People simply don’t like thinking about God or the devil. They have made technology their god, and books their devil. Is that why you’re reading this article about holograms? (peeks at Ecco’s article)
Ecco
Kind of. The Japanese made the first successful one a few years ago, and now they’re thinkin’ of mass producing them in the form of 3D games and electronic goods.
Dante (raises voice through-out dialogue)
I sometimes want to say to these technical people, “You forward, fool-born louts!” The more technical wonders they invent, the less people think about life!

Ecco (speaks with an annoyed tone)
I even want to yell, “You villainous, clay-brained measles!” They cause people to wager an eternity by amusing themselves with these holograms and MP3s. We all go a little mad sometimes, but wagering an eternity by diverting our minds with technology is utter folly!

Dante (raises his closed fist and punches the air)
Absolutely! Huxley said to me once, “You can’t handle the truth!” God is a myth. You should stop writing those divine comedies o’ yours. This is a brave new world where technology rules.
Ecco(give a shocked look)
He really said that? But I thought he kind’a changed his mind recently. Anyway, Dante; maybe I’ve been havin’ bad luck. Just remember to ask yourself, “Is it safe” before launching your next novel!
(Ecco get’s up and leaves with the article under his arm)
(zoom out. Lights fade into black)

Racing Moment

“She disappeared 2 months ago, beside the railway, in that rice field.” These words from my colleague appeared in incessantly in my mind as we anticipated his arrival, the necrophiliac, the serial killer, whatever you want to call him. We never expected him to appear so soon, a mere 20 minutes or less, right there among the rice field. He did not even try to hide himself behind the thicket; this savage without penitence. I could never get rid of what the witness had said from my mind, “He was strangling her..tightly, so tightly.” This is South Korea! We don’t have loonies like this who take delight in strangling women with bras and stockings! This abomination is tainting our great civilization, and we have to do our utmost to seize him!

What? He is unzipping his pants? What gives? Goodness gracious! He just pulled out a bra from his genitals! I’ve gone through a leviathan of cases, but never anything so disgusting! We tried to stay hidden but I stepped on a twig, and the crackle was heard by the monster. He didn’t seem to mind and kept doing his act! We pounced at the abomination anyway, but he was one step ahead and dashed away like a cheetah. We ran feverishly after him. Fortunately, there were many corners to turn, which impeded his speed; there are many pathways in this village, a little like a labyrinth. It was obvious that he was the abomination, or why else was he racing away like a bat out of hell? Luckily, my buddy was also waiting patiently for the abomination, though he didn’t tell us about it. He suddenly popped out of nowhere and jumped at the crook! I’m not moaning! Thanks to his great assistance, three of us did not have too much difficulty in taking him down.

We apprehended him and took him to our station, all of were out of breath at the time but we couldn’t stop. There we made sure he would reveal to us about what he’d done. I wish I could eradicate what else the witness had said to us, “Hyang-Suk’s white bra, and stockings..the second weapon was a pair of stockings.” I’m fully transfixed by these words, as they portrayed a sadist of the cruellest caliber. Brassieres and stockings! One victim after another! A sadistic abomination who takes great delight in murdering women indiscriminately, and then amuses himself by inserting peaches into their genitals. What gruesome state of mind did this abomination have before the murders? So very cocksure he was the psycho, we interrogated this Asian Jack the Ripper. “Why?! Something illegal about masturbating in public?” was his first response, as if we would believe him.

Zine Humour
Cadbury Thins Toffee
Can’t live without’em

After shopping feverishly for 5 hours, the rather beauteous Theresa could hardly wait to scour her numerous sacks of groceries for her favourite Cadbury Thins Toffee. Then came hubby Ethan and immediately she was frisked.

“Great Scot! No frisking when I’m scouring, Hon!”
“It’s been eons since last time; how long do you have to procrastinate?”
“Did you see those Thins in your sack?”
“No, I guess they’ve metamorphosed.”
“What the fricassee are you talking about?”
“They always metamorphose. There’re thousands of versions of Cadburys. C’mon, Hon; we lack coitus. Chocolate bars are fifth wheels.”
Theresa, Ethan’s wife for 7 years, simply cannot survive without these “fifth wheels”. They are her indispensabilities, and have sustained her heart and soul in this relationship.
“I can’t even take a breath without my bars, and all Ethan could think of is coitus! I can’t spill the beans, or all hell will break lose.”
So they immersed into the iridescent sea of love, and it was obviously a one-sided affair. Throughout the years Ethan has never realized that he was the fifth wheel, and not Cadbury Thins. He’s a multi-millionaire, and Theresa is not a fuck soup as he’d thought. Cogitatively Theresa though...Girls want Thin Toffees, NOT mammon and coitus! We always lack for them at the grocery, and every sack of groceries demands a Thin bar! This has been the missing ingredient throughout the ages, and that is why we often regret tying the knot with the wrong man. These males simply don’t dig it. Here he is all smiles again as usual. What about ME?! What about the chocolate bar?? I haven’t had one since we came home! I don’t even know where they are! This is insuperable torture! How about putting your money where your mouth is, Ethan? Marriage without Thins Toffees is a horse of a different color! This is the last straw! I don’t care about his mammon anymore. He is the fifth wheel, and the bar is my Sine qua non.

Zine List
Top 7 Ways to Hit the Grocery Store
&
Get a Hand Full of Scrumptious Carbs!

1. Instead of Red Wine, grab a carton of eggnog for the break (14 grams of fat per serving only!)
2. Instead of a shrimp cocktail, buy calamari and fry it (get the mayo-based dipping sauce)
3. Instead of making a home-made pie, stock up the cart with store-bought pie (saves time, no one knows but you!)
4. Obtain Irish Coffee instead of a latte with skim milk
5. Get white dinner rolls with extra slab of butter instead of cranberry bruschetta on a whole-grain baguette
6. Buy a white turkey with extra gravy (only 30% more fat) instead of a dark turkey.
7. Canned food instead of fresh vegetables, same food, just in a can!

On Cloud Nine

Despite elephantine thighs
we are vivacious
Though burdened by the onuses of life
we are on cloud nine
Let no man disdain us
Let no woman excoriate us
we are joyful, we are strong
Our bliss has reached the sky
Healthy, wholesome, and hygienic are we
Forever we smile and take part in joie de vivre
Blessed with internal happiness

The Cure
Frustrated at conflicting advices, Jann finally decided to extirpate all of them. Numerous dieticians have expostulated with her not to eat this or that; some even call her leviathan! Then the alternative physicians told her to press the solar plexus reflexes to reduce her appetite; she did but bruised her palms and instead found them to increase her urge to gormandize. It was insuperable to see everyone around her enjoying their food while she was entrapped in a cubicle, so Jann is at present gormandizing a black forest and a vanilla cheese cake. There is no alternative but to prevent being tormented again. Enough hokum about cutting back on carbs and fatty acids! It is time to experience euphoria! It’s time to debauch! Eating is pleasant, normal, edifying, blissful, and simply conductive to health. So Jann is right now sensing the entire gamut of the benefits of eating...

Flaunting is Joy
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r53/4235album/scan0003.jpg

Let’s flaunt!
No, not on cyberspace
No, not on the lecturn
Let’s flaunt!
Nay, nor in a movie
Nay, nor in a music video
Are you aghast?
Are you agape?
Neither on stage, in a circus, in a concert
But flaunt!

Don’t disdain me!
I’m not restricted by convention like many people...
Don’t disparage me!
I’m not bound by propriety

Like most inhabitants
Who are victims of credulity
Who imbibe rules
And worship custom

So don’t excoriate me
As I flaunt my debonair dress
I want you to appreciate my curvaceous form
I desire that you become imbued
By my demeanour, my gracefulness, my chick, my all
And no, they are not leery
Instead, my eyes are piercing your soul
Don’t you sense it?
Shakespeare and Kyd didn’t.
Not even Dante


We are not masochists
Who thrive on tragedies and farcical fiascos
We are sane and decent
As my eyes exemplify
The need to flaunt, to express
To liberate and manumit yourself
From the shackles of propriety
My graceful hands conduce what my eyes are speaking
To the very core of your soul
To the absolute need to flaunt
My figure, my all, my perfume to you
Ladies, flaunt now!
Men, appreciate my beauteous form
And flaunt yours likewise
Custom is not de rigueur
It is in fact ennui
I’m sure you have felt its encumbrance
So harken to my looks
And express yourself today!
Fourscore years are transient
So let’s flaunt and enjoy yourself now!

Option B:
"Pick a product/service/cause (current and real) and create a new SPOOFED slogan/ad campaign. You will need to take a satiric slant on the product/service/cause."

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r53/4235album/scan0001-1.jpg

How "Bad" Was Einstein?
Personality/Profile Opionion

Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, had been and still is regarded as one of the greatest scientists of all time, and undeniably the greatest intellect of the 20th century. While this is a very attractive title, Einstein’s prowess ought to be seriously questioned. First, his special relativity theory is an absolute absurdity. Numerous experiments have “proven” the dilation of time, but only on a minute scale such as messaged sent to or received from NASA space probes, or in particle accelerators. There has never been an experiment that has confirmed the validity of special relativity on a large scale. Time dilation has never been observed for periods longer than a day. Shockingly, scientists have made many quantum leaps in explaining the origins of the universe based on it. The Big Bang theory is very much dependent on relativity, and so is the Unified Field Theory. The reason why scientists have had so much difficulty is because Galileo and Newton were correct and Einstein wasn’t really. They have to stick to classical physics more and not the relativistic one.



Einstein was never in Galileo’s caliber in the first place. He made serious errors in his math, sometimes embarrassing ones such as dividing a number by zero. He had to learn from the Italian mathematician Ricci just to get started on his general relativity. He was never as proficient as Newton in European math competitions. Einstein never won any prizes in them. Newton did twice. Other greats who did so were the Swiss mathematician Euler (12 times) and the Italian physicist Lagrangia (5 times). While imbued by Newton, Einstein knew of his own limitations and did not really compare himself to the British scientist. Though relativity is a novel idea, the French Scholar Poincare already coined to the term “relativity” before him. To regard Einstein as crème de la crème is doing great injustice to Max Planck who invented Quantum Theory, Yamasaki who devised more than 3000 patents, Ricci and Levi-Civita who invented absolute differential calculus, Pascal and Fermat who formulated moderm probability theory, and of course Galileo who changed our geocentric view of the universe forever. I’ve also mentioned Newton, Lagrangia, and Euler: Enough said. I always thought scientists were empiricists, but to elevate Einstein to Galileo caliber is really jumping the gun here. My suggestion to them is this: “The Unified Field Theory will be found if you use Galileo and Newton’s formulas. Einstein has too much clout he doesn’t deserve. By building on his clout you will ineluctably fail.”

Slang: An(RE)EV(DE)volution in language?
There ain't no truthiness Bin Laden's last exhortation. There ain't gonna be a terrorist surge. If propaganda never worked for Hitler, Stalin, and Mao, it ain't gonna work for this gaunt weakling. Wrapped in a gauze sarong with a fake beard, Bin's crying over spilled milk. We don't need no bitching betty to warn us of a next "attack". Al Qaida is taking a haircut. Bin is moaning like a babe 'cuz they always get busted and they lack bread. And without bread and manpower, they are giving up the ship, and will kick the bucket soon. So whenever Bin opens his gob and tells us another cock-and-bull, we just keep vigilant as usual, 'cuz the weakling is a farce.

This project ain't duck soup, mahn; it's gonna take donkey's years just to get it poppin.